Intensely Feel Nothing
One fine day, i found the movie “prozac nation” based on a best selling memoar of elizabeth wurtzel, a freshmen at harvard who suddenly and gradually feel depressed and find prozac as a medication.
The minute i saw the opening of the movie, i know this movie ‘hitting close to home’. I have been quite depressed for the past month, triggered by my break up with someone i thought
given my hopes some light.
Then i reflect to lots of things. Do i have the possibilities to end up like Lizzie?
“…if you feel everything intensely, ultimately you feel nothing at all.”
[Elizabeth Wurtzel – Prozac Nation]
The quote from Lizzie have reminded me of me. Some of my closest friends have told me before how super-expressive i have been. I have always able to expressed what i feel intensely, whole-heartedly. When i love, i love not only with all my heart but will all my good soul. When i hate, i found my deepest anger to come to surface. And that is why suddenly, i feel so depressed.
I woke up in the morning and suddenly feel numb. As if i have drained out of every possible feelings. As if i have no more feelings supply. As if i was dead already.
I realized that i need help. I went to therapy already. Talked about my problems with a doctor as if my conditions is so urgent. Yeah…i think i have become insane.
“Insanity is knowing that what you’re doing is completely idiotic, but still, somehow, you just can’t stop it.”
I realized that i have been stupid. Know that falling in literally gonna make me hurt, but i keep choosing to fall nonetheless. Like a drug i keep wanting, craving for it.
But then a part of me will always be a romantic fool. A fairy tale seeker. Looking that one day a prince charming will swept me of my feet and rescue me from the highest tower and slayed the evil dragon that kept me.
But yeah…this is the real world. And people are getting crazier each and every day. Some wolves hides in the most innocent sheep-look. Some weaklings hide in the most powerful giant-look. You basically never know what you gonna get. When some love are a tool to be deceitful.
I am still struggling with my fear of rejection that triggered every time a person left me. I am still struggling with the feeling of being not good enough for anyone. I am still struggling to find my meaning in this world. Yes…i am depressed. For the time being, my doctor seems to help. I dont need prozac yet. Though somehow, i feel that mind altering drugs is a solution to a mind that never stops.
“I need the thing that happens when your brain shuts off and your heart turns on.”
(Soetta Airport 130514)