How I (Almost Thought I Have) Met Your Father

hey kids…i guess it is time to tell you a story. a story of how i almost thought i have met your father.

it all started on a mid week of december, 11-12-2013. what a number!

i was hanging out with my boss after a launch event of one of our business partners. it was a hip place in jakarta. fancy diner and bar with great rock n roll ambiance. and we were sitting by the open bar, sipping a margarita and just enjoying the jakarta’s breeze at night.

we noticed 2 guys sitting on our back. foreigners. an older guy and a slighty younger one. we didn’t care much. all we cared was how big the food platter on their table. me and my boss was busy chatting and laughing. and suddenly, a waiter came to us.

“hey girl…you know those guys over there invited you to their table. they say they want to know you”, he said to me.

“what? who?”, i was looking at the direction he pointed. it was the two guys i mentioned earlier.

looks harmless. i mean, not like some naughty foreigners that thinks every woman who sits at the bar is looking for some hook ups.

“should we come to them?”, i asked my boss. “what do you think? i dunno.”, she seemed confused.

but my guts was telling me different things. why not? they could be just looking for a simple conversation. and besides, the older one was kinda cute. old…but cute.

so, i took a stand. i approached their table.

the slightly younger one greeted me.

“hey…i’m A****. nice to meet you”, he said.

“hey…i’m aya. nice to meet you too. this is my boss, desiree”

he seemed a bit shocked at first on my approached. like he didn’t expected that i will come. but then he become so cheerful. and we all talked and sit together.

i was sitting opposite the older guy. until i noticed his wedding band. so, i moved to opposite the slightly younger one, A****. and we talked more. about jakarta, their work, our work, places to visit, food to taste and more.

and in the end we exchanged business cards. a gesture to show that me and my boss were not those women who came to a bar, looking for a hook ups with some rich foreigners.

maybe we spend about 1 hour to chat together, until we said goodbye. headed home. and not even think about it till the next morning.

the next morning, my boss, desiree, was telling everybody at the office of this meet up and how she thinks that A****was into me. i was laughing most of the time. cause frankly, i didn’t even looking to meet anyone that night.

but that afternoon i received a text message. it was A****. asking for a dinner and a taste of indonesian food i was telling him about. suddenly my heart raced. i was confused to the top of my lungs. wondering why? what is it so great with meeting me? or maybe he was just lonely and looking for a friend?

but then i decided to say yes. invited him to meet me at the mall next door, for some indonesian food. he said okay. until at 5pm he told me that he might be late cause he couldn’t find a taxi. i said, never mind and wanted to reschedule. but he insisted for me to wait. and said will try hard or take whatever to reach me. i suddenly feel his persistence. why would he insisted to meet me? it’s not like we have no other time to meet?

but like a universe game, that evening went okay. 5 minutes after he call he couldn’t find a taxi, he called me back. saying that he was in a taxi already and on his way. we met for dinner that night. then went for a casual drink. till almost 12 midnite. talked about everything that matters. and somehow connected. i mean, i had a good feeling about him. and he…expressed his interest to me. looking at me so passionately. and paying attention to every single words i said. i was like being pushed to a wall. can’t breathe. he was coming on too strong. but in the other hand, i feel a weird feeling on my stomach.

ever since then, he was texting me all the time. he even called me. and again, asking me on a date. i was confused. i feel weird. i mean….i feel something is coming and i didn’t know what. i’m scared for the unknown. and i was afraid to lose control of my senses. at times such as those, i always run to my friends. asking for some insight from my besties. each of them were happy, knowing there might be a chance for me to find a “home”, something i have been longing for years. each of them encouraged me to take a chance. just for the sake of finding out how it goes. to open my self and let other people in cause frankly you never know unless you try. so i did give it a shot.

we went on a date a couple days after, on a sunday afternoon. lunch, a movie, coffee and dinner. we spent the whole afternoon. talking and opening up. he who works in the IT business. traveling around the world on projects and was in this country a few years ago. i got to know a lot about him. and felt more scared.

“hey, what do you want from me?, i asked

“i like you”, he answered

“well..i like you too. but i don’t have time for bullshit. i’m 32 years old, looking to settle down. the last thing i want to do is spend my time with someone who just wanted to have fun”

“well..i cant promise you anything for now. we will take everything slow and just progressing. at the same time we will have fun. i cant promise that i will never hurt you or anything. but for now, i would really like to get to know you and see the possibilities”, he replied.

somehow…i feel a light. he said all the right things. im not looking for someone to give be blank promises, just someone who determined enough to try. and a part of me melted.

we went on few dates after that. dinner. lunch. to the old town. everything. we even spend the new year together. and i think my heart suddenly feel a change. i let my self go. i let my self to be loved again, something that i dont realize im capable of. something that i have been avoiding. cause love is something i fear to have. for with love, pain always comes along.

then come my birthday, 24-01-2014. a day that i even forgot to write on my journal cause everything was so perfect. i had a dinner with some friends and he came straight from the airport bearing his smile and his love. i had the best birthday ever, for i found a person who appreciate my passion for writing and traveling by buying me a book i have been looking for and a set of traveling kit.

each day, each moment makes me closer to him. i was beginning to love him. and my heart start to ache every time we are apart. my work started to take me on a traveling duty. separated me from him for weeks. each time we meet again was like the first time. i was into him as he was into me. we are definitely in love. so at least i thought so.

he even met my family sometime ago. spend an afternoon for lunch together. something that i have never done before, bringing a guy home to meet with them. my family was so happy. i guess they liked him. and i think so was he. my brother even connected with him. talked about traveling, life and adventure. i was glowing to see them.

i was suddenly happy. content. i feel like there is a possibility to spend the rest of my life with someone. there is an open door for happiness. i thought i have find my true love. my soulmate. one that will make me complete.

but then something change. i guess it is possible that people change over night. over problems, pressure. and apparently, he did change. i know that he was being too stress from work the past months and finally it hit rock bottom.

after i came back from one of my travels, he suddenly bring a thunder in the morning. sounded so stressful, he said he wanted to take a break. and that second, my heart broke to pieces. we then meet up the next day and talked.

he was saying about his problems. family matters that needs urgent attention. work load that really made him scream. and a guilty feeling for not spending enough time for me. and said that since it is not fair for me to be treated that way, he needs to take a break for a while, for being in a relationship. just to take a breathe and to organize his life back to line. and take control of it again.

as if i was suffocated him, as if im being a demanding partner, he wanted to break free of me. and it crushed my heart. we talked for an hour. and his decision was final. i have always been too proud to ever beg for someone to take me when they dont want me anymore. so i let him go. please break free and breathe free. for i will not suffocate you anymore. for i want people that i care about to be happy. even if it’s mean they are not going to be with me.

so that’s it. i let him go. smiled tearfully and shake his hand. saying goodbye to the possibility. cause heck…there was never been a possibility. all probably just an illusion that universe is playing with me.

happiness and suffering will be always walk together. and no guarantee that he will never hurt me if he stay with me. but then…i did know that. and that was the risk im willing to take when i first open up my heart. but i guess the minute you start to let yourself go, was the minute you gonna fall. and once you fall, there’s no way that you not gonna get hurt. i did.

so kids….ah…damn!!

i just realize that you guys didnt exist. anyway, that was the story how i thought i have met your father.


*to all those hurts that feeds from a broken hopes*